


The Bitter Taste of Grief

by FrozenMemories



Category: Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
Genre: Anger, Drunk Sex, Episode Related, Episode: s06e06 Sacrifice of Angels, Grief, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-27
Updated: 2018-08-27
Packaged: 2019-07-01 14:28:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,463
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15775962
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FrozenMemories/pseuds/FrozenMemories
Summary: "It was on the tip of his tongue to say ‘it’s alright’ but Ziyal was dead and that was never going to be alright."Episode relatedImportant sidenote: The relationship between Ziyal and Garak was never sexual, because he is a middle aged man and she's basically still a child





	The Bitter Taste of Grief

**Author's Note:**

> I couldn't decide whether I wanted a happy ending or not, and neither did Garak, so this just happened

**

"Oh my God, I just heard what happened!” Julian was catching his breath when he rushed into the infirmary, just moments after Garak. He proceeded to activate his medical tricorder but Major Kira shook her head in a motion that spoke finality. Ziyal had been gone too long; there was nothing he’d be able to do for her. 

Wordlessly he slid the tricorder into his pocket and took a step forward so that he was close enough to rest a supportive hand against Garak’s lower back, where he immediately felt the muscles tense under his touch. “I’m so sorry,” he breathed. It was all that came to his mind. Ziyal had become a dear friend to him, too, but the bond that she and Garak had shared was of a much deeper nature. He could only begin to imagine the pain Garak was feeling.

Upon regaining a semblance of his composure, Garak’s expression turned stern; only the continued gentle caresses of his grey fingers over Ziyal’s cold cheek hinted at the extend of Garak’s affection for the young girl. After a few moments of quiet, Garak straightened his back, gave a curt nod to Kira and, without even glancing at Julian, left the room.

**

It had gotten late by the time things were settled halfway back to normal on the station and duty allowed for a break. Julian found Garak hunched over the bar at Quark’s, as was to be expected. Garak made an unhealthy habit of drowning his sorrows in kanar or terran whiskey if they were getting too much to handle. He also had a tendency to lash out at people when drunk, so Julian braced himself for a dispute when he approached him.

“How are you?” Julian asked tentatively, as he took the free seat beside the already inebriated Garak. “I’m fine!” came the scowled reply. He knew it was pointless to argue with the recalcitrant Cardassian in his current state, but couldn’t help himself and try: “It seems you’ve had enough of that. Would you care for a walk?” He extended his arm in an offer, but Garak shoved it away. “Leave me alone!” he grunted, not bothering to look up. Instead he drowned his glass in one gulp and set it back on the counter with a harsh clang. “Another!” he ordered in Quark’s direction.

Julian, full of concern, put an intervening hand above the empty glass. “I said you’ve had enough,” he repeated, this time directing his voice to Quark, who just gave a shrug but kept the bottle conveniently close. “Is that for you to decide?” he queried. However, one look from the doctor shut him up.

“It’s not!” Garak answered for him and swiftly snatched the kanar from the bartender’s hand. He stood up angrily and made for the exit, his hand firmly gripping the swirled neck of the bottle. He ignored both Quark’s and Julian’s yelled objections as he proceeded down the promenade.

Julian was quick to follow and finally caught up with him in the corridor down on the habitat ring that led to Garak’s personal quarters. “Wait up!” he called repeatedly until he managed to grab Garak by the arm and get him to stop in his tracks.

“Come, on, now. Give me the bottle.” Julian was pleading, but only succeeded in fuelling the Cardassian’s frustration. “I don’t need your supervision, doctor!” he spat out before he yanked his arm free of Julian’s surprisingly strong grip. 

“Think about Ziyal,” Julian tried to reason, as he fought to swallow the hurt in his voice, “she wouldn’t want you to trash yourself like this.”  
Garak’s eyes turned into small slits and his body grew more rigid. “Do not tell me what she wanted! She is gone!” In a bout of anger he hurled the bottle past Julian, causing it to smash against the wall and scatter into thousands of pieces. He felt himself falling apart and it took all of his willpower to keep himself from wailing. Too many drinks had decidedly affected his self restraint and his legs gave way for a moment. He wavered and caught himself just before he fell against the wall of the empty corridor.

Steeling himself with one deep inhale and exhale, Julian went to his side and supportively grabbed Garak by the arm. “Come on, let’s get you home,” he urged and guided him down the hallway.

**

“I know you’re hurting, let me be there for you,” Julian said, when the door to Garak’s quarters slid close behind them. 

“Why is it, Julian, that you can never accept it when your concern is unwelcomed?” His tone was cold and dismissive again. Still, there was no way Julian was ready to give up on his mission. “Why is it that you can’t accept help?” he countered. Garak squeezed his temples with the thumb and middle finger of his left hand and walked over to his replicator. “Whiskey on ice,” he ordered, ignoring the fact that he still had company. But Julian was already by his side and took the glass out of his hands before he could lift it to his lips. 

“I said leave!” Garak persisted. “And I said quit drinking,” Julian replied. In one quick move Garak turned around and shoved Julian away from him, sending him stumbling backwards. It took a few steps for him to find his balance. 

“You can’t help me!” Garak barked out but his voice softened considerably as he went on, “I’ll just keep hurting you. Everyone I ever care about gets hurt.” Suddenly he sounded fragile, as if there was no strength left in him to be angry. He sank to the floor in resignation. 

“I’m not leaving,” Julian stated, firmly. Carefully, he lowered himself to the floor beside Garak and put his arm around his strong shoulders, pulling him close. 

“I loved her,” Garak suddenly wept and Julian rested his chin on top of his thick black hair. “I know,” he whispered, “I know.” It was on the tip of his tongue to say ‘it’s alright’ but Ziyal was dead and that was never going to be alright, so instead he simply repeated “I know, I know,” and soothingly rubbed his hand up and down Garak’s arm until he felt his body relax.

**

They sat in silence for a while, both deeply lost in their own thoughts. Inside, Garak was still fighting the urge to push Julian away, but at the same time, his body and soul craved the attention and warmth that he offered. 

“Why are you still here?” he asked into the silence, looking up to meet Julian’s eyes. It was a genuine question that Julian answered with a smile and a shrug. Garak shook his head and then grabbed Julian’s face with both of his hands and pulled him into a kiss. In a motion that was both and gentle and attentive, yet firm and demanding, Garak pressed their lips together and held Julian’s head close to his own.

**

Within minutes Julian’s undershirt joined his uniform jacket on the floor next to his head and he found himself flat on his back. Garak kissed him hard, licked his throat, bit his shoulders. He let his hands roam all across Julian’s exposed skin, scraping and groping on their way. Immersing himself in the heat of the moment he desperately tried to push all coherent thoughts away, and with them all the pain.

With one hand he pinned Julian down, while the other went to work on Julian’s uniform pants which swiftly followed the pile already by their sides. Julian lifted himself onto his elbows and grabbed Garak by the front of his thick tunic. “You’re wearing too much,” he stated and began loosening the various hooks and clasps. Garak’s artful garments were always a challenge to undress, but Julian had had some practice and it didn’t take long for him to slide the fabric off over his lover’s strong shoulders. He then pressed his hands flat against Garak’s firm chest, where he let them roam, stroke, grab, before he pulled him back on top of himself and their lips and teeth clashed together in another bout of frenzied kissing. 

Garak leaned down, licking and biting Julian’s throat and neckline, causing him to moan and whimper quietly. As much as they both liked it rough, there was always a certain tenderness in his lover’s touch, even as he used his sharp teeth on Julian’s sensitive throat. He swallowed a moan and Garak grinned against his cheek as he felt Julian stiffen against him.

“Turn around,” Garak instructed and Julian complied. Strong hands slid up and down his shoulders and spine, grabbed at his hips and held him in position, just where Garak wanted him. This was the part Julian loved most about the times he was bottoming: Being trapped between his lover and the floor, with Garak’s full body weight pressing him down. It added an amount of excitement to their love making that aroused him more than he would ever openly admit to the other man.

Slowly, deliberately, Garak ground his body into Julian’s in steady motions. He loved the sounds this evoked from his lover. 

He freed himself from his pants while Julian struggled out of his underwear. At the sight, Garak licked his lips and leaned over to trail kisses down his lover’s spine, stopping every now and then to gently but purposefully bite his flushed skin. By the time he reached the top of his butt Julian was squirming readily. He reached his arm around in an impatient gesture, trying to get hold of just any part of Garak he could reach in order to pull him close. 

“Patience, my dear,” Garak hissed playfully, as he moved upwards again and pressed his whole weight into the delicate body beneath him. He had no intention of making Julian wait, though. His body was a hot mess of emotions and arousal and he needed the release probably more than his impatient lover did.

Wetting his fingers on his own tongue he gently but steadily began to ready Julian for what was to come. Breathing heavily, Julian kept pushing his backside into Garak’s touch. 

When he felt his lover was sufficiently prepared, Garak slowly proceeded to slide into Julian, whose heart was racing as he arched himself upwards into Garak’s body, matching each of his movements.

They found their familiar rhythm with ease. As his breathing accelerated, a wave of heat washed over Garak and with it a jumble of emotions he wasn’t yet ready to address. So he kept grinding, pumping, thrusting. He went harder and faster until, with a grunt, he collapsed onto his lover in a heap of exhaustion.

Beneath him Julian, groping himself, came just seconds later.

**

“I’ve hurt you.” Garak lifted himself up and rolled Julian gently to his side, inspecting the red pressure marks and chafed skin on the front of his lover’s body.

“Now you care?” Julian mocked, but gave a forgiving half smile. He let Garak trace the marks of their encounter on his skin. 

“I’m sorry,” Garak offered. Two words he did not use often. He gently pulled Julian up to sit beside him on the sofa and, despite himself, allowed him to wrap a blanket around the two of them. He felt overwhelmingly tired and lost. Finally he closed his eyes and let his exhaustion get the better of him.

Cradling his lover’s unresisting body close Julian drowsily whispered: “I love you, Elim.”

**

Garak woke up with a hammering headache. He found himself wrapped up in Julian’s arms, face pressed tightly against his lover’s chest. He shifted a little and pried himself from the firm grip he was held in. Julian stirred and opened his eyes gradually.

“You better leave,” Garak said. Julian scoffed. “Good morning to you, too,” he grumbled. 

It was not the first time that they had fallen asleep instead of parting ways after sex, but Garak felt more vulnerable on this particular occasion and craved painkillers and quiet instead of company.

Sitting on the edge of the sofa, Garak buried his face in his hands and massaged his temples in a futile attempt to fight off the pain in his brain. Julian reached a hand out to him. “I meant what I said,” he stated, finding the Cardassian’s cold grey hand on top of the cover. “I want to be here for you.”

Garak shook his head. He knew it was useless to fight Julian on this. He wasn’t ready to talk but Julian was more than persistent. He would probably not leave for a week, if Garak kept his quiet.

And so, to break the silence, or maybe to silence his own thoughts, Garak spoke up.

“I failed her,” he blurted in a distressed voice. “She was my one chance to make things right but I-" Julian just listened, afraid to interrupt. “She was like a daughter to me and I-” he paused again. “I couldn’t protect her.”

Julian shook his head and stroked his thumb over Garak’s delicate fingers. “You didn’t fail her,” he said softly, “you became a better person for her. You’ve opened your heart for her, you loved her.” The truth of his own words pained Julian. The girl had reached Garak in ways he himself never had. She had brought out a soft side that he kept concealed from Julian for years.

Garak pulled his hand away and swallowed hard, “I should have never let her grown close to me.”

Julian waited for more, but apparently Garak was done talking for the time being. It bothered him. 

“And what about me, then? Am I just a toy?” he demanded, when he finally couldn’t take it anymore.

“Oh, Julian! I’ve told you many times to leave, haven’t I?” Garak smiled faintly as he shook his head. “You deserve a better man,” he resumed, “I can’t make promises to you. I will lie to you, I’ll hurt you; this is who I am. I can only fail you, as I did Ziyal.” It hurt him to say her name.

“If you want me out of your life, you’re going to have to get rid of me the Cardassian way,” Julian stated boldly. Garak looked up in surprise. Before he could interrupt, Julian continued in a stern and confident voice: “I mean it, Garak! – Elim," he corrected, “I love you and I’m not going to leave because you threaten to hurt me.”

His hand came to rest on Garak’s knee as he finished and Garak laid his warm one atop. His eyes found Julian’s and ever so slightly glistened with an unshed tear as he spoke with a sense of ultimacy.

“Love, my dear, is a weakness I can’t afford.”


End file.
